


♪♫ If Only Sorrow Were Like Snow ♫♪

by speculum_magicus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU Sabriel - Freeform, Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Gabriel (Supernatural), Kravica Waterfall (mentioned), M/M, Mostar, Old Bridge In Mostar, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicidal Gabriel (Supernatural), Suicidal Thoughts, reminiscing about past relationship, ćevapčići, Šljivovica - Plum Schnapps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29595861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speculum_magicus/pseuds/speculum_magicus
Summary: After many years, Gabriel has returned to a little ćevapčići shop in Bosnia and Herzegovina to remember his last happy moments with Sam before they broke up. Gabriel treats himself to one last meal and some alcohol before attempting to commit suicide.~~~~~~The song Gabriel is listening to (and that is used in this fic) is called "Da je tuga snijeg" by the wonderful and incredibly talented Bosnian singer-songwriter Dino Merlin.Here's a link to the song on YouTube.I highly recommend listening to this song while reading the text to get the full effect of Gabriel's despair.
Relationships: Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Past Sabriel Relationship - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	♪♫ If Only Sorrow Were Like Snow ♫♪

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger Warning:** This fic contains Gabriel getting ready to attempt suicide. Therefore, please only read this fic if you are okay with this subject matter.

* * *

Gabriel sat outside a ćevapčići shop in Mostar, a city in Bosnia and Herzegovina, and was watching the famous Old Bridge as the sun was slowly going down. The waiter had just brought him his food, a glass of Coke, and about six shots of plum schnapps – Šljivovica, as they call it – when suddenly another song started playing through the giant loudspeakers of the café next to the shop.

**_♪♫ Ja ne znam gdje si ti ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ja ne znam s kime si ti ♫♪_  
_♪♫ U ovoj noći kad se sve ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Dijeli na pola ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Osim bola ♫♪_ **

With a heavy heart, Gabriel looked at his food and then at the bridge nearby. There were a lot of people, especially couples, on the bridge right now, taking all kinds of romantic photos, making lasting memories together. Gabriel sighed and took one of the shot glasses, thinking about the words of the song: **“I don’t know where you are. I don’t know who you are with. In this night when everything is shared in half, except pain.”**

“Yup, pain,” Gabriel thought as he downed the shot.

**_♪♫ Ja ne znam gdje si ti ♫♪_  
_♪♫ I nikad neću saznati ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da l' si našla sklonište ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Kućicu i dvorište ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Života svoga ♫♪_  
**

Gabriel thought about the last time he had been to this city and at this ćevapčići shop. It had been with Sam exactly ten years ago. They had been doing a round-the-world-trip after they had both graduated from university. Mostar was their last happy memory as a couple. After that, everything went downhill. 

And now, ten years later, **“I don’t know where you are. And I will never find out,”** Gabe thought to himself. He smirked. Damn, who has chosen this damn song to be playing right this instance? Gabriel smiled as tears started forming in his eyes. **“Whether you’ve found shelter, the house, and yard of your life.”** Gabriel said out loud as he toasted towards the bridge and downed the next glass of plum schnapps.

**_♪♫ Eh, da je tuga snijeg ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da se do jutra otopi ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Mogao bih i ja konačno ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Kad oči zatvorim ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da se ne umorim ♫♪_  
**

Starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, Gabriel quickly wiped away his tears and started eating his food, nothing fancy, just a medium portion of ćevapčići with lots of chopped onions, sour cream, and some flatbread – lepinje – but thanks to the grease in the food, it would definitely help him make this night last and not get too drunk too soon. Gabriel indulged in the food and continued listening to the song while simultaneously wallowing in his last happy memories with Sam. He remembered all their shared laughs during their trip and all the wonder and fascination they had felt upon dealing with so many different cultures and seeing all the beauty of Asia and Europe for the very first time. 

They had been particularly happy about the fact that they were able to communicate mostly in English with people they encountered along the way, as nearly all of them were fluent in the English language. Gabriel sighed as he took a giant gulp out of his Coke glass, wishing that, **“If only sorrow were like snow, so that it melted away by morning, I could perhaps also finally not tire when I close my eyes.”** Sam and their time together still haunted Gabriel even in his dreams. They had been each other’s one true love – or at least Gabriel was certain that they were. This is also why none of his relationships after Sam had ever worked out. He was still too hung up on that lovely, soft giant.

**_♪♫ Eh da je tuga brijeg ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Pa da je vjetar ogoli ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ja ne bih mogao ni tad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ko što ne mogu ni sad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da te prebolim ♫♪_  
**

**“If only sorrow were like a hill, so that the wind could blow it bare. I couldn’t even then, as I cannot now, get over you.”** “Amen to that!” Gabriel thought as he downed plum schnapps number 4, before he continued eating. All his flings after Sam had told him time and time again that if he doesn’t stop talking about Sam, they would break up with him – and they eventually all did. Even after all these years, Gabriel still missed Sam like crazy. 

He would never forget their day trip to the Kravica falls, about 40 km south of Mostar. They had bathed in the lake, had repeatedly used the rope swing, and had visited the small grotto with stalactites nearby. It had been the perfect day.

**_♪♫ Daljine nisu to ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Što se mom srcu činilo ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Kad je hudo mislilo ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da je sasvim dovoljno ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da ti čuje glas ♫♪_  
**

After they had stayed at Mostar for a while, they had visited Greece, and this is where Gabriel had met a beautiful young professor who had shown them an excavation she was currently working at. It was a total Game Over from that point onwards. 

Gabriel, a history grad, had been so fascinated by the things the team had found during the excavation that he had repeatedly not only offered his help to the excavation team, but he had actually even helped them – every day and for almost the entirety of said days, leaving only very little time and room for Sam. This in turn had led to Gabriel being offered a permanent job in the team, though obviously it hadn’t been as easy as that. Gabriel had known that fact even back then, but he had never dared to tell Sam how he had really gotten the job. He never had the courage to tell Sam that the whole “accidentally” stumbling upon exactly THIS professor and THIS excavation had actually been a massive inside job organized by his, Gabriel’s, own dad. And to be fair: his own father hadn't told him either until their Christmas dinner back in America that same year. Being part of a wealthy family had its perks, but it also had many downsides unfortunately. Once Gabriel had accepted the job, he and Sam were having a long-distance relationship as Sam had to return back to America to find a job himself. 

**“Distances are not that which my heart had imagined when it was silly to think that it was enough to merely hear your voice.”** Gabriel had really wished their relationship could handle the distance and the couple of months of separation – the excavation was only supposed to last for another 3 months. In the end, it had lasted 3 years, and by this, 2 more years than Sam and Gabriel’s long-distance relationship. Gabriel had tried to fly to America as often as he could, but ultimately, it was a very expensive endeavor, and so they resumed to simply talking on the phone and via Skype every chance they got. But in the end, it just wasn't enough.

**_♪♫ Daljine nisu to ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Što se za dušu primilo ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Pusta su to polja nade ♫♪_  
_♪♫ I barikade ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Između nas ♫♪_  
**

**“Distances are not which bonded to my soul. Desolate are these fields of hope and the barricades between us.”** Gabriel had finished eating his meal and was now looking at the rest of his Coke and the two remaining shots of schnapps. Gabriel had really hoped their love would be one for the ages. Hoped, he would one day return to America and they would live a happy life together, full of excessive traveling, a giant house with a gazillion pets, and being bosses at their respective jobs. But instead, Gabriel had stayed in Europe even after his job at the excavation site was over, while Sam had, to Gabriel’s knowledge, stayed in America, working as a professor at a university, never having returned to Europe ever again. Gabriel huffed and downed shot number 5.

**_♪♫ Eh, da je tuga snijeg ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da se do jutra otopi ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Mogao bih i ja konačno ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Kad oči zatvorim ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da se ne umorim ♫♪_  
**

**“If only sorrow were like snow, so that it melted away by morning, I could perhaps also finally not tire when I close my eyes.”** Despite trying to think of nice things, all Gabriel could think about was Sam and just how much he missed him. He knew that, especially at this place, once he closed his eyes, he would definitely dream about his lost love and all the things they could have had, but never did and now never would.

Gabriel looked at the bridge and remembered the traditional annual diving competition they had observed when they had visited in the middle of summer. He remembered that one of the locals had told him that it was tradition for young men of the town to leap from the bridge into the river Neretva. When Gabriel had asked whether it wasn’t highly dangerous to do this, the man had told him that it was indeed very risky as the water was actually very, very cold. That’s why jumping off the bridge requires skill and lots of training.

**_♪♫ Eh da je tuga brijeg ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Pa da je vjetar ogoli ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ja ne bih mogao ni tad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ko što ne mogu ni sad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da te prebolim ♫♪_  
**

**“If only sorrow were like a hill, so that the wind could blow it bare. I couldn’t even then, as I cannot now, get over you.”** The waiter came to Gabriel’s table, and after Gabriel had assured the man that he was definitely alright despite his tears, “I just got dumped,” Gabriel explained absentmindedly, the waiter took Gabriel’s empty plate and coke glass and left again. Gabriel was now only left with one shot of plum schnapps. Oops! No, actually two plum schnapps. The waiter had just brought him another one, “On the house,” the waiter explained with a sympathetic wink. Gabriel thanked the man and wiped his tears properly away with a Kleenex, before he blew his nose. After having taken a deep breath, Gabriel took the second to last shot of schnapps, toasted towards the bridge, and downed it. The pain inside his throat a welcome guest as it pushed away the pain in his heart. 

Tears had once again started streaming down Gabriel’s face. It was no coincidence that Gabriel had decided to come back to this town. It was no coincidence that he had explicitly chosen this ćevapčići shop. And it was no coincidence that he had chosen this time of the year and time on the clock. Because ten years ago, on this very spot, he had proposed to Sam and Sam had agreed to become his husband. 

And so it was no surprise that Gabriel had decided to end it all at the very same place that he had been the happiest a decade ago. Gabriel took another long look at the bridge and already feared the height from which he was willing to jump. Gabriel’s look wandered along the river Neretva and he tried not to shiver at the thought of him being about to jump down into this river, hoping that death would come quick and that nobody would try to save him.

**_♪♫ Ja ne bih mogao ni tad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Ko što ne mogu ni sad ♫♪_  
_♪♫ Da te prebolim ♫♪_  
**

**“I couldn’t even then, as I cannot now, get over you.”** Gabriel would finally get rid of all the pain inside of him. After ten years of yearning and unfulfilled love, he would finally find peace. Gabriel downed his final schnapps and was getting ready to stand up and leave when suddenly, he heard a voice beside him.

“Hello, Gabe,” the voice softly said. 

Gabriel sighed relieved and smiled while closing his eyes for a second - he would recognize that voice anywhere and anytime in the world. 

Then he looked up, “Hello, Sam.”


End file.
